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The Worry Just Doesnt Help

October 1, 2013

On June 26th I wrote a blog I’m just not real proud of, in fact, I must confess it was bad enough that I had to remove it. For those of you that were not lucky enough to waste the four minutes of your life it took to read “My Act Of Defiance” let me give you a very brief synopsis. I posted a blog that was originally an email sent to my ex-wife, answering her question of when I would be making another child support payment. I told her that I would no longer pay support so long as I was unable to see my children. I also ranted and raved like a lunatic that everybody should know what’s going on, that I was being lied about and our children were being manipulated. Without going back and double checking I think I’m pretty safe to say that I also wrote a little something about taking what’s going on in our divorce public. At first I felt pretty good, I felt that my actions were justified and that I should be able to rant like a lunatic since I don’t feel things are going as good for my boys as they should be. I don’t get to see them often enough, they’re failing classes, one of them doesn’t even go to his classes, at least one of them is doing drugs and they believe information about me that isn’t true. Worrying about all of this stuff of course is about enough to make a guy loses his marbles.

It has taken me since June 26th to realize that it’s just not worth it to spend my time worrying about things that I have no control over. Who am I to say I don’t think things are going the right way for my kids? If things are not going the right way, then why are they going that way? Wouldn’t their mom do something different? Of course she would. I wish somebody would have reminded me to always consider that not all people are going to have the same idea of how something is perceived as right or correct. Just because my idea of a healthy environment for kids of divorce includes a great relationship with both parents, why should my ex-wife have the same? The thing is she doesn’t. In fact, if I had turned my brain on and thought about it for a second I would’ve realized that what I perceive as wrong in divorce is exactly what my ex-wife thinks is right. And to completely figure all that out all I had to do was take a look at her actions, that tells me exactly what she thinks is right.

Seriously, I feel a bit silly. For those of us that are struggling with our divorces and don’t seem to feel like the kids are getting a fair shake or we feel like we’re being taken advantage of, we need to take a step back and reevaluate the situation. We need to remember that we are making ourselves feel this way, and the things that we are worrying about are none of our business. We need to remember that we want our ex  to give some consideration to our opinion, and the only way to have that happen is if we give consideration to their opinion, even if we think it’s wrong. You see I have figured something out, I’m not sure how, all I know is that I’ve figured it out in the last couple of months. Whatever your ex is doing, and whatever you are doing, is between God and nobody else. It’s not between the two of you, it’s not between you and your kids, it’s been between you and God. I’m not religious in any way so please don’t think I’m trying to sell you something. When I use the word God maybe for you it means spirit or Allah or universe or whatever works for you. But make no mistake about it, there will come a day when you have to answer for your actions and believe me when I say karma is a bitch.

I want you to consider something as you read this. Over the years I have lost sleep, I have had massive panic attacks, anxiety attacks and I have had breakdowns that left me bedridden for days and sometimes weeks. Part of the cause of all of these problems is that I worry so much about my boys, and I have taken it so personally that my ex does not nurture and support my relationship with our boys, I’m lied about and the context of just about every situation in our divorce has been changed to make me look bad. At first glance you might think that there is something wrong with my ex, but when you really get down to the nitty-gritty, it’s actually me with the problem. 20 years ago when we met, my ex-wife was already working for a law firm, and has now worked her way into a job with the crown prosecutor and from what I hear is planning to become a lawyer. For over 20 years she has worked in an industry that actually makes money on lying, cheating, stealing, manipulating information and basically trying to find a way to get somebody out of being held responsible for their actions.

And I’m getting mad at her for doing those things to me? Sounds like I might be a little bit insane. And I’m gonna have to say that you’re being a little bit insane if you haven’t taken the time to be compassionate and remember where your ex has come from. There is a reason, an underlying reason why your ex does not want to cooperate with you and you need to be smart enough to figure out what it is. (It may be that you are the problem) Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not suggesting that we roll over and play dead. Quite the contrary in fact. I have actually found that by looking at my ex-wife in a different more compassionate way, I have gained a strength and a confidence I have never known before. Of course there’s things that are hurting my kids. Of course there’s things that need to be dealt with. And we are going to deal with those things in the very near future, but now I will be able to deal with those things in a much different way. And the big shocker is that I actually want to deal with those things in a way that’s considerate and serving to someone else. Yeah, the worry just doesn’t help.

I’m hoping that because I’m looking at the situation differently, the situation will become different and more positive for my two boys. But if it doesn’t I guess I’m just going to have to accept that it just wasn’t meant to be and maybe my idea of right isn’t right at all.

Divorce Effects Everything

September 30, 2013

I came to realize the other day just how connected we all are, and I realized that divorce plays a bigger role than I once thought. Now, don’t get me wrong, I realized years ago that we are all connected and each of us effects this ecosystem we call “Earth” by the choices we make. I guess I just thought it was on a smaller scale. I am not really sure what I was thinking actually, now that I think about it, it seems so logical that it’s even the choices we make in our personal lives affecting planet earth.

So I came to start thinking about how the choices we make when we are divorced effect everything around us. I did this because I absolutely can not believe the number of people I have heard say that their divorce has no effect on anyone else. They even say that it has no effect on their children. This is complete lunacy and I have no hesitation to say  I think the complete opposite, let me tell you why.

Your children have been a part of a family breaking up. They have watched one of their parents move out. They have most likely been witness to some fighting or at the very least a few good arguments. They feel as though they have done something wrong, and they are confused because they may not be able to communicate what they are feeling. they are now being used as pawns in a power struggle, they hear their parents lie about each other, and become messengers of nasty messages back and forth. Of course your divorce hasn’t any effect on your kids.

You are angry. For some of you I would say you are fucking pissed. And any common sense you used to have has been punted out the window a long time ago. You would rather fight with your ex than do anything to make the situation better. Did you ever stop to consider that its not just your children feeling the effects of your hate and stupidity. Just today alone you have effected multiple people while you were driving to work, you affected most, if not all the people you work with, the kid working the till when you went to buy your coffee or pop (making sure to be mad and unhealthy, good job) the clerk you yelled at while shopping for groceries after work, and of course the person you cut off while driving home from the grocery store. If they are lucky (being facetious) your children got to experience all the rage you could summon today, and when they see it day after day they begin to think it’s just normal behavior. Soon they will be as angry as you without even needing to get divorced. I guess it saves a step so that’s good, and just think of how many more people can be abused by the anger you have once your children are on board and helping you out.

And what if you’re not angry, at least not visibly angry on the outside? Sure, you’re not mad on the outside, but what are you teaching your children? In my opinion, you’re better off being angry and letting people know. In this case, you suppress your feelings and teach your children to keep their feelings to themselves, and not deal with the emotional turmoil they will have in life, this makes it harder to notice when something is wrong……… nice. And that’s on top of teaching them that conflict in a relationship is unacceptable and the best way to deal with that conflict is avoidance. Have you given any thought to what your setting your children up for in the future? have you given any thought to how your children are going to affect the people they come into relationship with? It seems to me that people in this category have one other very familiar trait, they base their parenting partners ability to parent on how much money is given each month. Since when does money have anything to do with being a parent? And what are you teaching your children when you put money over morals and values?

And finally, the divorced parent that I am so very familiar with. You’re angry, and you’re full of blame, yet you act as though you’ve moved on. You have a fake smile and you put on a show when you need to. You do almost no parenting, in fact chances are pretty good you do no parenting, yet regard yourself as a parent that’s hip with today’s kids and you have magical parenting abilities. When your parenting partner asks questions about what is going on you call them names, put them down, and really cause a distraction so that none of the issues surrounding your children can ever really be spoken about. What are we teaching our children in this case? Blame, denial, expectation, the inability to deal with conflict, and in most cases laziness, and some sort of drug and alcohol use, especially at young ages. kids with a parent like this typically don’t do well in school, if they even go to school at all. these people also seem to have the money thing going. I really need someone to explain to me how the amount of money you have dictates how good of a parent you are.

Three different parenting styles in divorce, making up over 60% of all the parents that are divorced. But they all have one common thread. The negativity creeps out into all of society through their children, and not only does it creep into society, it seems to me that it’s taking society over. Divorce effects over 75% of the population and our inability to work together for the children is causing a societal and economic breakdown that is now touching everyone, just look around. It doesn’t matter which parenting style you pick, the one thing you can be sure of is your setting your children up for failure. Be the better parent. make a better choice. Read books, take classes, start running, learn meditation, do whatever it takes for you find a place of peace so you can be a positive role model for your children. you owe it to them, you owe it to society, and you owe it to this planet. Just because you got divorced does not mean life is over, and it doesn’t mean you have to set your children up for failure.

On The Anniversary Of 9/11

September 11, 2013

Please share this blog if you like it!!

Jaeson D. Rau's Blog

I will never forget that morning as long as I live. I had recently left a very unhealthy marriage and was separated from my two boys who I missed very much. I wasn’t quite sure what was going on in my life, I wasn’t even really sure what was going on in my head. My young business was thriving and I didn’t know what the hell was going on there either, somehow that business just took off on its own. All I can really tell you for sure is I knew that I needed help and I really really missed Mathiew and Jeoffry. I was living in my dad’s basement suite, and it’s a good thing I was, who knows what I would’ve done to myself if I had been living alone. On that morning I was sitting in a room that wasn’t mine, on a bed, if you can…

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A New Awareness

June 23, 2013

Never shall I forget the time I spent with you. Please continue to be my friend, as you will always find me yours. – Ludwig Van Beethoven

Amazing words aren’t they.

I Love this quote from Beethoven for a couple of different reasons. First off, Beethoven was connected to his source. And he was connected so deeply. Beethoven knew, at a very young age how things worked and how to live in harmony with the world around him.  The other reason I Love this quote is because Beethoven seems to be a guy that walked his talk. Now I have to be honest, I don’t actually know Beethoven personally, but it seems to me that what I have read about him proves he was a guy who indeed walked his talk, which makes these words mean something more than if he hadn’t.

“Never shall I forget the time I spent with you”. And I don’t think we do. I think we all carry memories of our past relationships with us. After all, those past relationships have helped create the person we are today, and in many cases we were deeply intimate and connected to that person. Just because that intimate relationship has ended does not mean we need to force the memory out of our mind.

“Please continue to be my friend, as you will always find me yours”. I think what Beethoven is saying here is “Our intimate relationship has ended and that’s OK, you were a blessing for me and I am grateful to have shared some of my time with you”.  Not only is this a good idea, but it is also free of ego and hate. Can you imagine, for just a second if every couple with children who were going through a divorce could say this to each other? I wonder, can you even comprehend how different the world would be?

We need a new awareness, one that is free of ego and hate. An awareness that is overflowing with love and compassion, like those words of Beethoven. Even just reading those words from Beethoven makes me feel different, more connected and aware. Imagine if we could inject that energy into all of society.

If you are a parent going through, or about to go through a divorce, I pray that these words can help you elevate yourself to a place of conscious awareness that allows for a continued co-operative and nurturing parenting relationship with your child(ren)’s other parent. The entire planet benefits in a positive way from that.

Can You Help Me Find “THE” Lawyer?

June 20, 2013

“THE” Lawyer that wants to help me make a difference. “THE” Lawyer that has morals and values. “THE” Lawyer that refuses to lie. “THE” Lawyer that believes the kids are most important.

I’m looking for “THE” Lawyer that is OK with the fact that I have lost all respect for Lawyers, He or She will work with me because they are honest and are disgusted by the way other lawyers take advantage of people going through the most traumatic event of their lives, and seem to turn those people into hardened enemies willing to hurt their children in the name of spite.

I’m looking for “THE” Lawyer intrigued by my desire to want to set a new precedent, a precedent that would hold parents responsible for their actions. I have witnessed behavior and have been told of behavior that should have jail time attached to it. Being divorced does not give people the right to wreck innocent children’s lives. The legal system sucks when it comes to divorce and we need to let them know we won’t take it for not another minute. it’s time our court system heard a voice, a loud voice. Let’s start with mine!

I’m looking for “THE” Lawyer that wants to be a part of changing the nature and structure of divorce, to encourage a nurturing and positive co-parenting environment for all children of divorce. Do you believe, like me, that it should be commonplace where Parents have a positive co-parenting relationship even after the rest of it falls apart. If you do, maybe we should talk.

I’m looking for “THE” Lawyer that wants to help raise awareness about Parental Alienation, and wants to do something about it. Parental Alienation is abuse and there must be ramifications if you choose to act this way. Mothers, Fathers and Children are all victims of Parental Alienation, and in my opinion on a bigger scale than anyone thinks. This is crap and it needs to stop.

Are you “THE” Lawyer? Or maybe you know “THE” Lawyer? Please contact me as soon as possible, the children of divorce want us to meet

Happy Fatherless Day

June 18, 2013

This Blog is dedicated to all the kids, like mine, who did not get to see their Father on Fathers Day

In my world, it’s  not “Father’s Day”, Its called  “Fatherless Day”.  Was it too much to ask to spend some time with my boys yesterday? I don’t think so. Which leads me to the question, “What kind of Mom makes sure her kids are busy on Fathers Day, so they don’t end up seeing their dad”? (And no doubt people are being told I am a deadbeat who didn’t even want to see his kids).

It seems to me that my ex is trying to hurt me through our kids, and it is succeeding. Today I am hurt, crushed actually, but not because I’m hurt for me, I am hurt for my boys. I want to sit down and cry, but maybe I’m not allowed because society has told me not too,  I’m a Father and we don’t seem to matter.  I wonder what will become of my boys when they are older, and whether I will be able to have a relationship with them. They have been lied too so much, not only about me but also about the situations in the divorce they are a part of, I fear that it will cause them nothing but hurt. What kind of parent lies to their child about that child’s  other parent? Where is the good in that? Kind of makes me wonder if it’s just a distraction tool to keep our kids from seeing what is actually going on. Kinda makes me wonder if this is abuse of some kind.

A child should have the right to see their Father on Fathers Day, same as they should be able to see their Mother on Mothers Day. And if you are divorced, the right thing to do is to support each other on those two important days of the year. Lying and manipulation so that you are a pretend better parent do nothing to help the kids, and if you are doing this you are pathetic.

I am not perfect, and my life has been hard the last few years, rebuilding your life at 40 something is not all peaches and cream. But I have never stopped wanting to be a father to my two boys, why does it seem like the harder I try the harder my ex pushes me away? I’m sure if you are taking the time to read this you know what I mean. And you probably know that it’s hardest on Mother’s or Father’s Day

But no matter what, when Mothers Day comes around again I will make sure to communicate with my boys how important it is to do something nice for their mom and spend some good quality time with her.

Next year make sure to do the same, do it for the kids!

When Your Ex Falls On Hard Times

June 18, 2013

More and more we are seeing parents falling on tough economic times. Although this is to be expected when you are dealing with an economic system as corrupt as ours here in North America, I don’t believe we are dealing with the situation properly when it comes to parenting while divorced. It seems to me that money has taken a front seat to any type of parenting these days, seems it has taken a front seat to common sense as well, especially when your parenting situation is divorced.

Kids need their parents, both parents, and both parents equally. And it shouldn’t matter how much money their other parent has. Now, let’s be honest, there are parents out there that have lots of money, and decide to bail on their kids. This is not the parent I am talking about, although, we will talk about that unfortunate situation in the future. I am talking about the parent that wants to be a part of their kids lives, but goes through something tough, especially related to money. What typically happens is children are held as ransom, if you don’t pay, you don’t get time with them. And I don’t think I’m the only one noticing this happening  more and more.

I want you to think about that for a second, and then change gears. Rather than look at this situation focusing on the other parent, focus on the child(ren), and you will realize that it’s not the child(ren) being held from the other parent, it’s the other parent being held from the child(ren). Divorce just doesn’t get any sicker if you ask me.

In my situation, a devastating breakdown caused me to be almost  bed ridden for nearly three years. In the process I lost my business, my health, but most notably I lost  my relationship with my two boys. I made every effort to work with my ex in a cooperative manner, as best as I could under the circumstances. Unfortunately I was called a host of names, and every story that has made it’s way back to me is a complete fabrication, and my boys have been turned against me. At first glance we may shrug this off as just something that happens in divorce, but what about my two boys? What will happen to them in the future? What happens to them when they grow up in an environment that is not only dishonest, but where unrealistic expectations are put on money? More important, what will be the effect on them when they become aware of what they have been through?

Already the effects are starting to show themselves, at only 15 and 17.

So please remember! Money is not an indicator of someones ability to parent, more money does not mean better parent, less money does not mean worse parent. And also remember that those of you that keep your kids from their other parent because you don’t feel you are getting enough money totally suck and shouldn’t even be a parent

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