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Tonight I Peed In The Shower

March 4, 2014

Well, it was actually last night, and I didn’t actually pee in the shower, don’t take it so literal. However, what I did do somewhere deep inside of my consciousness was piss on our court system and more importantly divorce in general. As I stood in the shower last night I very briefly thought about my divorce, and all the other divorces I have ever heard about that have caused at least some negativity in our society and on our planet. And then I did what I wish I had done a long time ago. I looked down and watched the running water disappear into the drain, and I said “Piss On It”. I imagined that the water running down the drain was the negative energy I was holding onto because of my divorce. It was at that exact moment something changed inside me, something I have been trying to change for a very long time.

What led me to this was that after 12 years of being scared to walk into a courtroom and deal with my divorce, I finally put that fear behind me. This is the reason that I had stopped blogging, speaking and running fathers aware, I was starting to feel like a hypocrite, trying to do something positive in the arena of divorce but having never gone to court myself. Never experiencing what actually happens when people spend time together in court. Never actually experiencing the negative energy that goes out into our society and ecosystem. Not only was I being a hypocrite but I was putting my life on hold. And even though I walk away from my experience in court feeling absolutely beaten, and having finally experienced the injustice I hear so many other men talk about, I feel so good I can’t even explain. It’s nice to experience days without anger or frustration. It’s even nicer to feel a smile on my face.

On February 24, 2014 at approximately 1:20 PM I sat quietly in a chair about 15 feet from a small room my ex-wife and her lawyer were sitting in. The judge, who I would find out shortly was the judge presiding over my case, walked into that small room with a smile on his face and although I did not hear anything that was said, acted as though he was among friends. It was all I could do to refrain from laughing. I knew right then that there was a good chance the decision had already been made. It was as though I got a strong backhand across the face telling me it was no longer worth fighting, but it didn’t hurt at all. Originally I had wanted to fight, I had things to tell my ex-wife, I had things to say concerning my children and I was prepared to go to jail if needed, I was not going to go down quietly. The reality is that I was very calm, asked for nothing, and only spoke to answer any questions I was asked. I sit in my office today writing this blog a much different person.

There is no doubt in my mind now that our system is absolutely fucked up. But what’s shocking is I am no longer mad about it. In my entire experience of going to court, from filling out the original paperwork to actually going through the process of being in front of the judge, nobody gave a shit about my kids, not even their mother. And somehow I’m not mad. In reality the only thing anybody actually cared about was money. My ex-wife disputed the amount of money I had claimed as income, even changing the context of situations in my life, the courts didn’t even check into it, they just went with her word. And did I mention that the judge did not even give two hoots about the children involved? All he said in regards to our children was that it was important they spend time with me, that’s it. Nothing about the 250 classes missed this year at school. Nothing substantial about not having their father in their lives. Nothing. I have now been ordered to pay an amount of money per month that at this time I can’t even afford. It’s not that I don’t want to be a good father to my kids and offer support, but I’ve been setup to fail, again. How the courts can order someone to pay an amount of child support so great that they haven’t enough money to even survive is beyond me. Now I know what all those men are talking about, I actually never believed them, I never dreamt that our “legal system” would do this to someone on purpose. I’m not sure that I want to know how many divorced men are running around barely able to afford anything, and working four jobs just so that they can eat. Not sure I want to know just how much angry energy is out there waiting to explode.

I feel so bad for my boys, and now I’m feeling bad for your boys as well. For any of you that think of your divorce as a war, a battle that has a winner, I want you to think about something. Someday your children may very well get divorced themselves. What precedent are you setting for your children? If you’re fighting with your ex, if you’re keeping the children from their father, if you’ve done your best to suck every nickel out of your ex and done everything in your power to make your ex look bad. You are telling the universe at large that it’s okay for your children to be treated that way one day. How’s that for a twist?

Yes you are, stop trying to argue. We are energy and everything around us is energy and everything is connected so I don’t care how much you say you love your children, if you are treating your child’s other parent like crap, then you are saying “I give my blessings for my children to be treated this way one day”. If it’s okay for you to treat your ex like crap, then why is it not okay for your child’s ex to treat them like crap? Bet you never thought about that, did you?

Maybe it’s time to reconsider how much you love your children.

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