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The Worry Just Doesnt Help

October 1, 2013

On June 26th I wrote a blog I’m just not real proud of, in fact, I must confess it was bad enough that I had to remove it. For those of you that were not lucky enough to waste the four minutes of your life it took to read “My Act Of Defiance” let me give you a very brief synopsis. I posted a blog that was originally an email sent to my ex-wife, answering her question of when I would be making another child support payment. I told her that I would no longer pay support so long as I was unable to see my children. I also ranted and raved like a lunatic that everybody should know what’s going on, that I was being lied about and our children were being manipulated. Without going back and double checking I think I’m pretty safe to say that I also wrote a little something about taking what’s going on in our divorce public. At first I felt pretty good, I felt that my actions were justified and that I should be able to rant like a lunatic since I don’t feel things are going as good for my boys as they should be. I don’t get to see them often enough, they’re failing classes, one of them doesn’t even go to his classes, at least one of them is doing drugs and they believe information about me that isn’t true. Worrying about all of this stuff of course is about enough to make a guy loses his marbles.

It has taken me since June 26th to realize that it’s just not worth it to spend my time worrying about things that I have no control over. Who am I to say I don’t think things are going the right way for my kids? If things are not going the right way, then why are they going that way? Wouldn’t their mom do something different? Of course she would. I wish somebody would have reminded me to always consider that not all people are going to have the same idea of how something is perceived as right or correct. Just because my idea of a healthy environment for kids of divorce includes a great relationship with both parents, why should my ex-wife have the same? The thing is she doesn’t. In fact, if I had turned my brain on and thought about it for a second I would’ve realized that what I perceive as wrong in divorce is exactly what my ex-wife thinks is right. And to completely figure all that out all I had to do was take a look at her actions, that tells me exactly what she thinks is right.

Seriously, I feel a bit silly. For those of us that are struggling with our divorces and don’t seem to feel like the kids are getting a fair shake or we feel like we’re being taken advantage of, we need to take a step back and reevaluate the situation. We need to remember that we are making ourselves feel this way, and the things that we are worrying about are none of our business. We need to remember that we want our ex  to give some consideration to our opinion, and the only way to have that happen is if we give consideration to their opinion, even if we think it’s wrong. You see I have figured something out, I’m not sure how, all I know is that I’ve figured it out in the last couple of months. Whatever your ex is doing, and whatever you are doing, is between God and nobody else. It’s not between the two of you, it’s not between you and your kids, it’s been between you and God. I’m not religious in any way so please don’t think I’m trying to sell you something. When I use the word God maybe for you it means spirit or Allah or universe or whatever works for you. But make no mistake about it, there will come a day when you have to answer for your actions and believe me when I say karma is a bitch.

I want you to consider something as you read this. Over the years I have lost sleep, I have had massive panic attacks, anxiety attacks and I have had breakdowns that left me bedridden for days and sometimes weeks. Part of the cause of all of these problems is that I worry so much about my boys, and I have taken it so personally that my ex does not nurture and support my relationship with our boys, I’m lied about and the context of just about every situation in our divorce has been changed to make me look bad. At first glance you might think that there is something wrong with my ex, but when you really get down to the nitty-gritty, it’s actually me with the problem. 20 years ago when we met, my ex-wife was already working for a law firm, and has now worked her way into a job with the crown prosecutor and from what I hear is planning to become a lawyer. For over 20 years she has worked in an industry that actually makes money on lying, cheating, stealing, manipulating information and basically trying to find a way to get somebody out of being held responsible for their actions.

And I’m getting mad at her for doing those things to me? Sounds like I might be a little bit insane. And I’m gonna have to say that you’re being a little bit insane if you haven’t taken the time to be compassionate and remember where your ex has come from. There is a reason, an underlying reason why your ex does not want to cooperate with you and you need to be smart enough to figure out what it is. (It may be that you are the problem) Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not suggesting that we roll over and play dead. Quite the contrary in fact. I have actually found that by looking at my ex-wife in a different more compassionate way, I have gained a strength and a confidence I have never known before. Of course there’s things that are hurting my kids. Of course there’s things that need to be dealt with. And we are going to deal with those things in the very near future, but now I will be able to deal with those things in a much different way. And the big shocker is that I actually want to deal with those things in a way that’s considerate and serving to someone else. Yeah, the worry just doesn’t help.

I’m hoping that because I’m looking at the situation differently, the situation will become different and more positive for my two boys. But if it doesn’t I guess I’m just going to have to accept that it just wasn’t meant to be and maybe my idea of right isn’t right at all.

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